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Lolita's mother was a witch, and her father was a ninja. (Or perhaps not, they might have been leech-farmers in Somerset) Her
inherited potential became evident when she directed an international crime syndicate from the womb. In her formative years,
she held a variety of occupations, including a temp job as the molten core of the earth. (Presumably because she is, in the
words of Sir Francis Drake: "sooo hot.") At the age of 18, she caused every man on the planet to fall in love with her by
performing the "Thumb War of the Seven Veils." (Or perhaps history is wrong on this point; it may have been the Pinky Wiggle
of the Five Veils, instead) Queen Elizabeth took offense and banned Lolita from England for at least 400 years, after which
all of the male undergraduates of Oxford drowned themselves in despair. Lolita used her sorcerous powers to step through a
wormhole into a strange and frightening future time, where, with her finely-honed skills she quickly won the lead role in
"Carrie III the Musical: Aunt Flo's Revenge." After this spectacular performance the Time Police, fresh from their pursuit
of William Shatner, apprehended her, and unceremoniously dumped her back in the Renaissance, where they figured she might do
less damage. (Idiots)
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